AMBITION:
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We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get
it.
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ART:
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See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails? (to
his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo)
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CIVILIZATION:
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You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every
war they kill you in a new way.
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COMMUNISM:
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Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
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DIPLOMACY:
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a
rock.
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FAME:
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I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would
have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met
a man that I didn't like.
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FAME:
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I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who
knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
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FAME:
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I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out
with twenty-eight years ago.
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FAME:
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Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
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GAMBLING:
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Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold
it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
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GAMBLING:
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We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
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HEROISM:
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We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and
clap as they go by.
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HUMOR:
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
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HUMOR:
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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
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HUMOR:
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There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole
government working for you.
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IDENTITY:
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I like to hear a man talk about himself because then I
never hear anything, but good.
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IDENTITY:
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In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no
such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough.
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IGNORANCE:
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An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found
out.
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IGNORANCE:
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You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
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LIFE:
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Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
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LIFE:
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Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot
to the town gossip.
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LIFE:
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Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time
we have rushed through life trying to save.
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LIFE:
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Things will get better -- despite our efforts to improve
them."
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MOVIES (THE):
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The movies are the only business where you can go out front and
applaud yourself.
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MOVIES (THE):
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There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is
education.
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POLITICS:
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Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to
happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
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POLITICS:
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I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
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POLITICS:
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If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no
politics.
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POLITICS:
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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
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POLITICS:
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On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the
only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no
matter what it does.
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POLITICS:
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Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
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POLITICS:
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Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a
week.
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POLITICS:
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The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to
admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always
looks the best.
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POLITICS:
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There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open
season on senators.
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POLITICS:
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This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as
when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
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PROSPERITY:
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The nation is prosperous on the whole, but how much
prosperity is there in a hole?
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STUPIDITY:
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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get
us out?
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TAXES:
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The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
golf has.
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TRUTH:
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Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
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